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My Fred Ted

My friend Ted went to bed
With his cousin Celia
Ted had said he'd been misled
And thought she was Amelia
Amelia was Celia's twin by another mother
So Ted got wed to his uncle Fred
Who'd split up with his brother.

A Robin Red Breast

A little robin red breast
Was put to the test
When his red feathers
Fell off of his chest
He was met with derision
Back at the nest
"But I'm still the same inside" he tried to suggest
"You're a Robin bare breast" said his wife with disdain
"The mothers at the nursery will call you every name"
"It's not about my appearance" he started to protest
But she smacked him round the beak and knitted him a vest

(A little red vest)

A Nest

I made a nest
On my wife's chest
A place to rest my head
But presently and unpleasantly
This is what she said;
"Lift your head..
You great big lump
My heart can hardly pump.
You're like a clump of lead
Pressing on my lady bump
You're snoring like a drum
And drooling on my skin
My breast is going numb
Where your head is sinking in
Move over to your own side
And let me have some rest
How did the man I married
Turn in to such a pest
I pretended not hear these words
Snarled above my head
And tried to snuggle in
More exactly now instead
But a well aimed shot from her left knee
Caught me by surprise
It had me yelping loudly

And caused the bulging of my eyes
Crestfallen now and wounded
I turned to roll away
To marshal my resistance
And nest another day.

The King of Fife

There was a king who lived in Fife
He found it hard to keep a wife
Everyone he ever got
In the end he had her shot
Until no girl would be Queen
So he picked one from a magazine
Posted from a foreign land
He found her hard to understand
But when he brought his sights to bear
She stripped down to exotic underwear
He lowered his weapon to the ground
And made a leery moaning sound
But even as he spared her life
She ended his with a big curved knife

The Bingo Caller

The smelly little bastard
Never really lasted
In his job as a bingo caller
Because of the smell
(And he stunk like hell)
He moved to a fishing trawler

Squishy Fish

A lobster, a mussel and a crab
We're swimming about having a gab
When said a jellyfish
"Do you know what I wish?
Maybe it's selfish?
But I wish I was a shellfish
You're all covered in shell
And as far as I can tell
Having a shell must be swell
I'm the sort of fish
People try to squish
That's why I wish
I was a shellfish
Like you guys"
"This may come as a surprise"
A crayfish said
"But it's not that wise
Don't be so hasty
At least you're not tasty
Because they turn us in to fish pies."

The Squeeze

A hairy little girl from Chester
Left a spot on her arse to fester
I said I'd try a squeeze
If she got down on her knees
But she thought I wanted to molest her.

(I probably did)

Uncle Fester

Uncle Fester
Went to Chester
Visiting the zoo
Where he met a kangaroo
That hopped off with his shoe
What was he to do?
Now he was hopping too.

The Chicken And The Egg

A chicken was laying an egg
While perched on the side of a keg
The egg bounced on the floor
Then it rolled out the door
Where it cracked and out popped a leg

The egg stood up nice and tall
Recovering now from its fall
It walked round the yard
Trying to look really hard
Then it climbed up onto the wall

"That's where we sit"
Said the hens in a fit
"Well I was here first"
The little egg cursed
And that is the truth of it.

Kirsty O'Connor

Kirsty O’Connor offered her honour
Little Tom Toffer honoured her offer
In no time at all he was quickly upon her
And all through the night he was off her and on her
As morning was dawning
In that fresh yawning light
From the depths of deep sleep
Came smug smiles of delight
Ms O’Connor's honour was a goner Your Honour
While Tom Toffer never got a better offer.

Good education in very important but beer is more importanter. (10w)